Goneded

One of my brothers died on the 20th of Jan 2005 although i was only told by letter about a week later. I still have not contacted my family as yet and obviously not been to the funeral.

Why the title Gonded ? well thats a Chris word...my inner child .... it means gone and not coming back again ever.

It's sort of odd... i have not seen him for must be beest part of 8 years, and only twice within the last 1o years, so i don't miss him as such... never felt upset knowing he has gonded, never cried.... but there is more to it than that. He used to be very homophobic, yet i am reasonably sure he did things to me sexually when i was young... just could never prove it. I know as a teenager he held me by my kneck against a wall and lifted me up by the kneck severel times. I also know him and one of my other brothers did things together.

Chris, although he acceppts he has Gonded is also afraid... but starting to cope easier since i have not gone to the funeral... not that i would have had the money to travel.

I have had a bad week of flashbacks, nightmares, finding myself hiding under the table and assuming something triggered my little freind Chris. I am worn out :(

Thing is i feel guilty for not crying, not going to the funeral and seeing the rest of the family etc. I also know i am getting OLD :( and my body is not in the most healthy of states of late.

My feelings are all over the place... and I don't know quite what i am feeling:(

Fortunatly I have therp meeting at noon later today... that might help....

I am becoming far to quick to bite at things and have isolated myself the last week or so since finding out :( and i need to change... or i will sink.