just another day

well it's been one of those days again. I have had about 4 hours sleep since 1oam on Sunday :( and my brain has gone soggy. Will be going and trying to get some sleep in a short while as i need to be out by 10am in the morning.

Don't know who it is but some burk has been ringing me up each morning just before 9am and again tea time (for the last week) from an 08000 number, but not leaving a message on the answering ,machine. ... strange thing is when i try to ring the number back it says unavailable... so i have unplugged the phone the last several days.... just don't trust it when the number can not be called back plus a websearch shows no information of the number anywhere.... fuffing anoying that it means i can not use the phone tho.

Website went balistic for some Monday, up from an avarage of 350 visitors to just over 655 for the day... that was also with the server crashed for almost an hour.... so looks like google tweeked their search algo again.

Could murder a pint or 5 of beer but still on the anti biotics for another 3 or 4 days yet... so will have to do with water... but did manage to get a few ( 3 ) sleeping pills from the doc... so should get a few hours sleep tonight.... just got one new person to add to the forums before i go.

One of those Food_Processors drinks making things would make a good bedtime drink if I had one so will have to add one to my shoping list.

Oh well time for bed.

Keywords

For the last 9 months or so I have been tracking the search positions in goggle for 48 keywords (search phrases) for my main website. Over the last 4 to 5 months many of the positions had dropped due to lack of time spent working on the site... Last weekend out 0f the 48 only 9 were in top 10 places.

This last week I have done a lot of tinkering and now this weekend ...
32 are in the top 10
26 are in the top 5 places
12 are at number 1 listing.

Of course this won't last for long... as search engines change all the time and I expect in a weeks time those numbers will be down by half again unless I keep my eye on things, but the main site visitors was up by 156 above any sunday during the last 8 weeks.

18 new sections have been added to the sites UK amazon shop, such as Espresso & Cappuccino Machines and for the first time since well before christmas there have been £160 of goods ordered this weekend.... all other weekends have been zero.... giving earnings of another 11 quid :) ... that works out at about at about 49p per hour for the time spent doing it all.... and I suppose they could have been valerntines gifts... so will have to see how it goes over the next couple of weeks... but at least it has kept my mind off other things.

I need to start a couple more blogs this week... as I need one for my own feelings, one so I can talk about Male Survivor things, and another about site things ... plus of course it will also be better search engine wise for back links :) even though it will mean having to move some of these posts to the new blogs when I can find the time.

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Of the things that I had to do for therapy home work, I have managed to sign up for a group that goes on country walks.... that will do for both joining a group where I will get out among people in a safe way... and also for one of the two 5 mile walks I have been asked to do each week.... sort of two birds with one stone there :) Carn't say that I am looking forward to it all that much at the moment... as am full with "what if" questions about doing it... but at the end of the day if I want my life to change for the better, then I have to try things to make it change. If after a couple of times going to the group I find it is not the thing for me then at least I will have tried... but I will go at least 3 times to give myself a chance to get used to it. If I don't get on well with it then I will have to look for something else, but I carn't see it being all that stressful (it's only one afternoon a week) and might even help me become a bit fitter *grins* .... plus I could also do it alternate weeks if I need :)

I still carn't cope with the chat room at the moment, or reading / posting in the forums apart from admin things like adding new users ... and I wish I could as I feel I am letting people down... but I need to spend some time sorting myself and my own problems out for a while.

I wish the bloody nightmares would go away, as they are not doing my stress levels any good at all *sigh* but maybe the doc will let me have a few sleeping pills when I see him again later today... depends which one I see and what mood they are in.

I so wish that I did not have so much to get done this week, and so many places I have to go to... I could do with some time to unwind, but it don't look like Iwill get much chance till the end of the week *sigh*

Since this is a long post it can cope with another out-going link ... so here goes....

Many survivors of abuse often find that they suffer from Rape Trauma Syndrome that can take effect soon after the abuse or even a long time after. Several of the people on the Panorama program last night (big mistake for me to watch that *sigh* ) were still suffering the effects of RTS.

Oh well... time for a wash and shave and out I go again.

Feeling rather lost at the moment

Feeling rather lost this weekend, and alone, as I normally am in a chat room or on yahoo messenger, but at the moment I need to hide from the world to gain some strength back again. I know that I should not isolate myself so much, but maybe it for the best, and at the moment, being in chat or yahoo is not doing others any good and i only keep putting my foot in it *sigh* so it's best that I stay out of chat for now.

On the better side, I am finding more time to sort my web site out, tidy the flat up and give Chris some time for himself again. Not easy things to find time to do when the nightmares are back with vengeance again.

The therapy has started again, and this time it is hard. I have a stack of things to try and achieve before the next session, such as going for a 5 mile walk twice per week, finding a course or group that I can join, plus writing out my thoughts about what we talked about.

I need to slow down a bit and give my mind a rest, so am gona try to find a film to watch.

Goneded

One of my brothers died on the 20th of Jan 2005 although i was only told by letter about a week later. I still have not contacted my family as yet and obviously not been to the funeral.

Why the title Gonded ? well thats a Chris word...my inner child .... it means gone and not coming back again ever.

It's sort of odd... i have not seen him for must be beest part of 8 years, and only twice within the last 1o years, so i don't miss him as such... never felt upset knowing he has gonded, never cried.... but there is more to it than that. He used to be very homophobic, yet i am reasonably sure he did things to me sexually when i was young... just could never prove it. I know as a teenager he held me by my kneck against a wall and lifted me up by the kneck severel times. I also know him and one of my other brothers did things together.

Chris, although he acceppts he has Gonded is also afraid... but starting to cope easier since i have not gone to the funeral... not that i would have had the money to travel.

I have had a bad week of flashbacks, nightmares, finding myself hiding under the table and assuming something triggered my little freind Chris. I am worn out :(

Thing is i feel guilty for not crying, not going to the funeral and seeing the rest of the family etc. I also know i am getting OLD :( and my body is not in the most healthy of states of late.

My feelings are all over the place... and I don't know quite what i am feeling:(

Fortunatly I have therp meeting at noon later today... that might help....

I am becoming far to quick to bite at things and have isolated myself the last week or so since finding out :( and i need to change... or i will sink.

Male male date rape

It is not often talked about but male male rape does happen, far more than most people think, and of course male date rape happens as well as can been seen from another's blog entery

As a male rape survivor myself I know that there are many myths surrounding male rape.

The FBI estimate that at least 3% of rape victims (outside of institutions) are infact male, but most people who work in such places as rape crisis centers know that the numbers are much higher than that.

The above links will give you some idea as to why it is a crime that goes vastly under reported.